Clint;
Welcome to the Wedding Ceremony Podcast. This is episode number five. Recorded on Tuesday, March 4, 2014. My name is Clint. I'm with JP. We’re going to dive right into it. JP is hot to trot. No, I’m serious. We were just chatting a little bit before we started recording and I said no no, don't tell me anymore of that story. So I'm just gonna let you jump right into it. Go-ahead.
JP:
This past weekend I was part of the bridal fair at a country club here in LA. It was in the evening and one of the brides who came up to me, young woman, mid-twenties, Veronica. She was there by herself. She's not getting married until next year, 2015. Doesn’t even have a date. She said she doesn’t have a venue. She said, “I need to figure out where I want to have my wedding.” I said, “Where’s your fiancé?” She said, “Oh, he’s home. He told me that wherever I wanted to have the wedding it's fine with him.” I’m thinking, really? You can’t even help pick out the venue? Now, Clint, you and I privately have had many conversations about the role of the groom. But that's what I want to talk about today, is the groom. I personally don’t expect a groom to know what the color fucsia is. There’s a lot of things I don't expect the groom to to be a part of the planning process. But, man, if you can't go with your woman, and pick out a venue, then what is this all?
Clint:
I'd be curious to know how many of the other grooms that were at that bridal fair came of their own volition. How many were dragged? Now don't get me wrong. You paint a very emotional picture of this poor young waif wandering through the wilderness of the bridal Expo. Believe me, I completely get it. I agree with you 100%. There's a lot of things that the groom couldn't care less about. Every time I hear a couple that gets engaged, l’ll say, at some point, have you started going to bridal fairs or the Expos? I’ll look at the groom and I say, dude, free cake. You gotta go. It’s free cake. Plus, you know, the food. It’s kind of a wonderland. It's a wonderland and a wanderland of same time. “Wa” and “Wo”. You kinda meander up and down the aisles and you'll see things. You don't know what you don't know. We see this all the time and people come to us for wedding ceremonies. I’ll say, tell me what you want and what you don't want. I would say half the time, “we don't know what… honey what do you think? I don’t…” The ceremony is, many times, the last thing they think about. I agree with you but I would like to know the back story. Like, when you when you watch a movie or television show or you come in on a conversation and you don't know what happened right before that. So the context is a little bit lost.
JP:
Absolutely. I just want to clarify. It's not that he didn’t go to the bridal fair. By the way. it was Friday night. We are here in LA. We had Noah's Ark kind of rain. It was a torrential downpour.
Clint:
Oh, that's right. I was out of town.
JP:
Every groom who came up to the table with his fiancée I looked at him and I said, “props to you man. Any groom who comes out in the storm to be with his bride gets props my book.” And everybody laughed. Yet with this girl it was that the groom said to her I don't care what venue you pick. But I have a follow-up story. On Sunday I meet with a couple getting married next year. They come to my home, sit at my table. In all my years of officiating I don’t think I have ever met a groom who was more dis-engaged from the conversation than this unnamed groom.
Clint:
If you named him, would that help us?
JP:
It was so bad. How bad was it, JP? And, folks, please remember I am from the Bronx. I’m channeling all of my Bronxness right now. It was so bad that at one point I stopped the conversation and and I said, “I’m sorry. I have to ask. Are you happy that you're getting married?” His head snapped up, finally, from his lap and he looked at me said, “yeah.” You look so sad. You look just, sad.
Clint:
You know what's great is that you and I can can say that stuff. Because they're coming for the wedding ceremony. They’re not coming for flowers or DJ. We don't have that driving compulsion to sell. We've said this before. Our whole focus is how can I help you? How can I make this absolutely the best experience for you possible? It is completely appropriate, where some people may think, other wedding service providers, vendors, whatever you call them, may think it's inappropriate for them. Or they would be afraid that the sale might walk out the door. We have that blessing of being able to do exactly what you just did. So props to you. So, then what happened after that?
JP:
He smiled and said no, I'm happy. The bride said, “Oh, he's a little reserved.” I’m thinking, do you think? My God man. He has his head bowed down. Didn't look at me. Didn't speak. Didn't smile. Remember, I teach interpersonal communications to professionals. It's like, folks, this is our first date. This is an interview. You guys are interviewing me. I’m interviewing you. We’re trying to determine is there a relationship with the three of us. Do the three of us want to stand together on your wedding day?
Clint:
But if using the dating analogy, then the next phrase would be: Dude, he's just not that into you.
JP:
I don’t know if he’s just not into her either.
Clint:
I have run into that scenario a few times. We were talking about the back story. I think that there are some people, and this is not gender specific, the bride is trying to put the whole day together. We talk about the social pressure that she has in order to have this event that goes well so that people you know say good things. The groom sometimes carries the weight of something that happened in his life that makes him not want to talk to anybody who's clergy. I get that. I understand that. They come in and there's rebelliousness. Or there's some sort of slight or emotional pain. The thing that that you and I have going for us is that we don't really care too much about that kind of stuff other than how can I help you? Which makes it kind of an interesting, fun little game. I like the way you handle it where you just you broke his pattern and brought him into the conversation. I don’t know how long he stayed with you after that. There been certain times where there's open rebellion towards me. Not antagonistic but more along the lines of that vibe of I’m not going to give you anything. I don't care about you. I love her. You're just a necessity. What I what I have found is that the more I explain how important the bride is to him. I explain that to the bride. Then there's more of a coming across the fence, or whatever that analogy is, in order to say oh, wait a minute, this guy isn't going up wag his finger at me and fire and brimstone. This guy really wants me to have a great day.
JP:
That's a very very good point, Clint. I experience that also.
Clint:
I’ll bet everybody does. Everybody who has officiated at a wedding ceremony. Because people think you have to have some sort religious affiliation in order to do this job. When, in fact, out here in California you don’t.
JP:
All of this does is point to very important aspect. I just want us to remind those who are listening, couples who are listening, how vitally important it is that they have conversations about how they imagine and envision their wedding day. It’s not that they have to have conversations about chair covers and flowers. But to have those big conversations. Five years after your wedding what is it that you want people to still be talking about? Five years after your wedding what is it that you want people to remember? What do you want to remember about your wedding day? I think if a couple doesn't have a conversation, right at the beginning, then people are going to hijack their wedding. Because the bride's mother knows what kind of a wedding she wants. The groom's mother probably knows what kind of a wedding she wants. People are just going to swoop in. They’re going to create a wedding that is the wedding of their dreams, with or without the consent of the couple.
Clint:
That might be why your groom was disengaged. Because he feels powerless. He feels like it doesn’t make any difference what I want. Other people make a decisions anyway. I don't care. I get like that. I get like that as a guy. There been a number of times where I've said my wife okay why don’t we just cut to the chase. Just tell me what you want. Let's start there. She’ll try to say, no I want you to tell me what you want. Finally, at one point I said - this is the beauty of being married for 12 years. Just had my anniversary actually two days ago. I was out of town. It was very romantic. That’s normal. I work this beautiful event in Columbus, Ohio every year and so with my wedding anniversary there’s only been one time in the 12 years we've been married where I was actually here we got to celebrate on the day. My philosophy is like birthdays. They last as long as somebody wants to celebrate it. So we have plans. - Anyway, I remember saying to her, there's no point in me telling you what I want. Because at some point you’re going to really try hard to get what you want. And because this is not that big of a deal to me, just tell me what you want. If I have some major objection I’ll say that. So I can empathize with the grooms who feel as though what you just described has already taken place. As far as they are concerned is what they feel in their emotional experience of the planning process is that it doesn’t make any difference what I say or what I want. Sometimes the groom will have a specific or maybe two things. I don’t care what else happens on the day but I really want to eat pizza. Or, I don’t care what else happens on the day but when I walk in the room I want them to play Stairway to Heaven. Whatever it is. So when it comes to the wedding ceremony that feeling of powerlessness, I can see where that would really take a guy. And how do we deal when we feel powerless? We get small.
JP:
Folks, rewind and listen again to what Clint just said.
Clint:
If you can stand it. Don't do it while you're driving.
JP:
Amen. Amen brother. I would extend that little bit more. The bride herself was a very quiet and reserved young woman. So these are people who are not going to be dancing on the tabletop at their reception. She did ask me for a referral for a DJ. Then she smiled and said of course neither of us like to dance. I said you know, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Don’t get caught up in what you think a wedding should be. Don’t get caught up in what you see in the movies and on TV. You can create whatever celebration you want. I will say when I said that she looked relieved. I don’t know how he looked because his head was still in his lap, nodding off. I do think both the bride and groom if they are not familiar with weddings, if they have not been to a lot of weddings and they just are basing it on the mythology and the urban legends of what weddings are supposed to be like. It's very easy to get sucked up into: we have to do this we have to do that. And begin to feel miserable and powerless. a
Clint:
You kind of have to multiply that towards the groom. Because they already feel out of the loop. That’s okay. A lot of the grooms will kind of embrace that role. Oh, this is great. I don’t have to really sweat this stuff. She's gonna freak out and get all stressed out. Yeah, I'll put on the clothes and I’ll show up and I'll hang with my bros.
JP:
I’ve had grooms saying I'm just to show up. Whatever you want, babe, is fine with me. And they have the personality to pull that off. They have the personality and the love and it's the good old boy. My concern is for grooms like this fellow who are unable or unwilling to express what's going on inside their head and their heart. My concern is that if your pattern of communicating is to shut down, your going to be shutting down many many times in the wedding planning. It is going to set pattern that is not going to be healthy or effective for future conversations after you get married.
Clint:
Oh yeah, sure. It’s that old thing we’ve talked about before, where you plan and you plan and plan for this incredible day. And then what? And then there's the next day. And the rest of your your marriage. I agree hundred percent. I guess that there's that whole glass half-full glass half empty type of deal. I keep thinking that the bride and groom have gotten to know each other and they’ve fallen in love. You're right, marriage is hard work and it takes effort and communication. I think that's where people like you have so much to give in terms of giving couples tools on how to communicate. I always say that in premarital counseling, really, the biggest thing they teach you is how to fight.
JP:
To fight effectively.
Clint:
Okay, I got a story. My process is I give a ton of resources for the wedding ceremony to every single couple. I give it for free to anybody that wants it. So I work with this one couple and primarily the bride. She picks out all the stuff and we work together and it's a beautiful ceremony. The Vows are kind of long. The groom does not see the ceremony until the morning of his wedding. Please understand, I work with the coordinator, whoever is coordinating, I send them the ceremony the week before the wedding so that they know how to run the rehearsal. And the logistics of it. I make little notes like we will need a table and whatever it is. I try to make everybody be in the loop. The groom doesn't see it until the morning of his wedding. I found that out because I got a phone call from the bride who is getting married that day. The conversation starts like this: Rev. Clint I am so sorry. I know exactly what you think. I thought it too. Uh oh, we’re canceling the wedding. I said what's up? It turns out that he had just looked at it. His number one fear, which is number one phobia in America, is public speaking. He realized how much vows and ring exchange and stuff he was at being asked to say. Now it’s just a repeat after me. It’s not that big of a deal. I mean that's what I think of it. But his feelings are valid. He said, “I do. That's all I'm saying is I do!” Here’s the scenario. It was his second wedding, his second marriage. He'd been through the hoopla and he didn't like it. In terms of the ceremony stuff. H admitted, “I love you with all my heart. All I want to do is marry you.” It was her first wedding. It was her first marriage. So he says, “I want you to have your day. Go ahead do whatever you want and I'll be there and I'll marry you. That's all I really really want.” She says, “What are we going to do?” Well, we have to take care of him because you're worried about him. So I want to make him as comfortable as possible. But you did put all the effort into picking out these words that you connect with and they touch your heart. So how about this. How about if I say the vows on your behalf? Are you comfortable with only saying “I do”? I said that to the bride. She said, “Oh yeah, sure.” Let me just say on your behalf so it’s still part of the ceremony. It's part of your story. That way all he has to do is say “I do”. You’re not worried about him. He's really comfortable. It's happy happy happy all across the board. that's we did and it turned out great. Now we go back to that guy that's got his head buried. I have had couples say to me, “We are really shy. We don't like being the center of attention.” I say, don't worry. Number one, I’m so glad you told me that. The fact that you had that meeting with that couple and you saw who they are. Almost like that was the name of the test? The Briggs Meyer test? You saw it in person. You're able to recognize that. We can do little things to make you feel almost like you're in a little bubble. You’re not really as concerned about the people who are watching you. You just turn their bodies a little bit. Like when they have to face each other they don't really face square onto each other. They kind of angle a little bit so the still facing the officiant. Almost like in the movies. This is old school stuff. Back back back back in the day of like the 1920s. Whenever movies started. They wanted to pull focus to the main character. They would actually, in order to fuzz out (they can do this digitally now but back then they didn't have a the technology) so they would take some sort of like a Vaseline or something and they would put it on the edges of the lens in order to blur it out. Have you heard that story? So it's kinda like that. Where you make everything else blur. You bring focus into the couple. A groom who is self-conscious or shy or whatever that's gold to him. To have an officiant that can give them little tools by which they they are able to kinda fuzz out the world and really focus on each other. Oh my gosh.
JP:
What you're really talking about, Clint, I think, is important for again for the couples, those of you who are listening to us chat right now, and it's this: that when you go to interview officiant's what you really are looking for is do you feel safe with this person? Is this someone you believe, based on your conversation with the officiant, is going to create that bubble for you and your fiancé? Because this plays out on an emotional level. As beautiful as the words are, the couple are only going to hear some of those words. Because it's an out of body experience. That is our job. Our job is to create a safe place where people are able to, as much as possible, be in the moment and as comfortable as possible, offer those vows to each other. In whatever way it might be.
Clint:
Right. Now, there's the other side of the emotional spectrum here that we take in consideration as well. Where a couple will want Elvis to marry them. I talked to a couple, she’s a wedding coordinator and I think he’s a massage therapist. They decided that they wanted to go away. Destination wedding. They went to one of the one of the places in the Caribbean. Is that right? I get the Caribbean in the Mediterranean mixed up. That was my hesitation. So, it’s the Caribbean. They hired a guy from North Carolina who does the Johnny Depp Capt. Jack Sparrow imitation. He performed the ceremony. Right? Then there's a guy who runs a big company, a big officiant company here in Southern California. He began his company with the idea that we’re going to have as much fun as we possibly can. He comes from standup comedy. He's done singing telegrams. I'm a little envious. It's just not where my business has gone. He's dressed up as an umpire and gone to Dodger Stadium and performed ceremonies at home plate. Then about two thirds of the way through he stops and does a seventh-inning stretch and sings Take me out to the Ballgame. So, there are there are those couples who are looking for that type of an experience. It's exactly what you said. It’s the same concern for the happiness of the couple. To protect them. But, in a way, they need to be protected from the officiant that is just to full of themselves or too serious. They don't want that experience for their guests.
JP:
That's why it is so vitally important that couples sit down at the beginning and talk about what is their shared vision. What's going to make them comfortable together. What is not to make them comfortable individually.
Clint:
I think the big way to begin that process is to each of them say: in a perfect world, my dream wedding would be… then they just lay it out. Because, it could be: I have this idea which is bells and whistles. I have this idea which is flowers and sweet music. Then, hopefully, they'll come to us with their visions and be able to find that happy ground. Last episode we talk about interfaith. This is another version of that. Another version of different cultures and background and stuff and how do we bring them together? I love this podcast. We do need to wrap this up. Thank you all once again. Remember, you can go to our website. It's WeddingCeremonyPodcast.com. Send us an email. It’s right there on the home page. Send us an email. Let us know what you want to talk about. If there's any questions, any insights you have for us to make the podcast absolute the best it can possibly be. There's also links to our individual websites. If you're looking for whatever we have to offer you. It’s our honor to serve you. Until next time this is Clint on behalf of JP. See you later.
Welcome to the Wedding Ceremony Podcast. This is episode number five. Recorded on Tuesday, March 4, 2014. My name is Clint. I'm with JP. We’re going to dive right into it. JP is hot to trot. No, I’m serious. We were just chatting a little bit before we started recording and I said no no, don't tell me anymore of that story. So I'm just gonna let you jump right into it. Go-ahead.
JP:
This past weekend I was part of the bridal fair at a country club here in LA. It was in the evening and one of the brides who came up to me, young woman, mid-twenties, Veronica. She was there by herself. She's not getting married until next year, 2015. Doesn’t even have a date. She said she doesn’t have a venue. She said, “I need to figure out where I want to have my wedding.” I said, “Where’s your fiancé?” She said, “Oh, he’s home. He told me that wherever I wanted to have the wedding it's fine with him.” I’m thinking, really? You can’t even help pick out the venue? Now, Clint, you and I privately have had many conversations about the role of the groom. But that's what I want to talk about today, is the groom. I personally don’t expect a groom to know what the color fucsia is. There’s a lot of things I don't expect the groom to to be a part of the planning process. But, man, if you can't go with your woman, and pick out a venue, then what is this all?
Clint:
I'd be curious to know how many of the other grooms that were at that bridal fair came of their own volition. How many were dragged? Now don't get me wrong. You paint a very emotional picture of this poor young waif wandering through the wilderness of the bridal Expo. Believe me, I completely get it. I agree with you 100%. There's a lot of things that the groom couldn't care less about. Every time I hear a couple that gets engaged, l’ll say, at some point, have you started going to bridal fairs or the Expos? I’ll look at the groom and I say, dude, free cake. You gotta go. It’s free cake. Plus, you know, the food. It’s kind of a wonderland. It's a wonderland and a wanderland of same time. “Wa” and “Wo”. You kinda meander up and down the aisles and you'll see things. You don't know what you don't know. We see this all the time and people come to us for wedding ceremonies. I’ll say, tell me what you want and what you don't want. I would say half the time, “we don't know what… honey what do you think? I don’t…” The ceremony is, many times, the last thing they think about. I agree with you but I would like to know the back story. Like, when you when you watch a movie or television show or you come in on a conversation and you don't know what happened right before that. So the context is a little bit lost.
JP:
Absolutely. I just want to clarify. It's not that he didn’t go to the bridal fair. By the way. it was Friday night. We are here in LA. We had Noah's Ark kind of rain. It was a torrential downpour.
Clint:
Oh, that's right. I was out of town.
JP:
Every groom who came up to the table with his fiancée I looked at him and I said, “props to you man. Any groom who comes out in the storm to be with his bride gets props my book.” And everybody laughed. Yet with this girl it was that the groom said to her I don't care what venue you pick. But I have a follow-up story. On Sunday I meet with a couple getting married next year. They come to my home, sit at my table. In all my years of officiating I don’t think I have ever met a groom who was more dis-engaged from the conversation than this unnamed groom.
Clint:
If you named him, would that help us?
JP:
It was so bad. How bad was it, JP? And, folks, please remember I am from the Bronx. I’m channeling all of my Bronxness right now. It was so bad that at one point I stopped the conversation and and I said, “I’m sorry. I have to ask. Are you happy that you're getting married?” His head snapped up, finally, from his lap and he looked at me said, “yeah.” You look so sad. You look just, sad.
Clint:
You know what's great is that you and I can can say that stuff. Because they're coming for the wedding ceremony. They’re not coming for flowers or DJ. We don't have that driving compulsion to sell. We've said this before. Our whole focus is how can I help you? How can I make this absolutely the best experience for you possible? It is completely appropriate, where some people may think, other wedding service providers, vendors, whatever you call them, may think it's inappropriate for them. Or they would be afraid that the sale might walk out the door. We have that blessing of being able to do exactly what you just did. So props to you. So, then what happened after that?
JP:
He smiled and said no, I'm happy. The bride said, “Oh, he's a little reserved.” I’m thinking, do you think? My God man. He has his head bowed down. Didn't look at me. Didn't speak. Didn't smile. Remember, I teach interpersonal communications to professionals. It's like, folks, this is our first date. This is an interview. You guys are interviewing me. I’m interviewing you. We’re trying to determine is there a relationship with the three of us. Do the three of us want to stand together on your wedding day?
Clint:
But if using the dating analogy, then the next phrase would be: Dude, he's just not that into you.
JP:
I don’t know if he’s just not into her either.
Clint:
I have run into that scenario a few times. We were talking about the back story. I think that there are some people, and this is not gender specific, the bride is trying to put the whole day together. We talk about the social pressure that she has in order to have this event that goes well so that people you know say good things. The groom sometimes carries the weight of something that happened in his life that makes him not want to talk to anybody who's clergy. I get that. I understand that. They come in and there's rebelliousness. Or there's some sort of slight or emotional pain. The thing that that you and I have going for us is that we don't really care too much about that kind of stuff other than how can I help you? Which makes it kind of an interesting, fun little game. I like the way you handle it where you just you broke his pattern and brought him into the conversation. I don’t know how long he stayed with you after that. There been certain times where there's open rebellion towards me. Not antagonistic but more along the lines of that vibe of I’m not going to give you anything. I don't care about you. I love her. You're just a necessity. What I what I have found is that the more I explain how important the bride is to him. I explain that to the bride. Then there's more of a coming across the fence, or whatever that analogy is, in order to say oh, wait a minute, this guy isn't going up wag his finger at me and fire and brimstone. This guy really wants me to have a great day.
JP:
That's a very very good point, Clint. I experience that also.
Clint:
I’ll bet everybody does. Everybody who has officiated at a wedding ceremony. Because people think you have to have some sort religious affiliation in order to do this job. When, in fact, out here in California you don’t.
JP:
All of this does is point to very important aspect. I just want us to remind those who are listening, couples who are listening, how vitally important it is that they have conversations about how they imagine and envision their wedding day. It’s not that they have to have conversations about chair covers and flowers. But to have those big conversations. Five years after your wedding what is it that you want people to still be talking about? Five years after your wedding what is it that you want people to remember? What do you want to remember about your wedding day? I think if a couple doesn't have a conversation, right at the beginning, then people are going to hijack their wedding. Because the bride's mother knows what kind of a wedding she wants. The groom's mother probably knows what kind of a wedding she wants. People are just going to swoop in. They’re going to create a wedding that is the wedding of their dreams, with or without the consent of the couple.
Clint:
That might be why your groom was disengaged. Because he feels powerless. He feels like it doesn’t make any difference what I want. Other people make a decisions anyway. I don't care. I get like that. I get like that as a guy. There been a number of times where I've said my wife okay why don’t we just cut to the chase. Just tell me what you want. Let's start there. She’ll try to say, no I want you to tell me what you want. Finally, at one point I said - this is the beauty of being married for 12 years. Just had my anniversary actually two days ago. I was out of town. It was very romantic. That’s normal. I work this beautiful event in Columbus, Ohio every year and so with my wedding anniversary there’s only been one time in the 12 years we've been married where I was actually here we got to celebrate on the day. My philosophy is like birthdays. They last as long as somebody wants to celebrate it. So we have plans. - Anyway, I remember saying to her, there's no point in me telling you what I want. Because at some point you’re going to really try hard to get what you want. And because this is not that big of a deal to me, just tell me what you want. If I have some major objection I’ll say that. So I can empathize with the grooms who feel as though what you just described has already taken place. As far as they are concerned is what they feel in their emotional experience of the planning process is that it doesn’t make any difference what I say or what I want. Sometimes the groom will have a specific or maybe two things. I don’t care what else happens on the day but I really want to eat pizza. Or, I don’t care what else happens on the day but when I walk in the room I want them to play Stairway to Heaven. Whatever it is. So when it comes to the wedding ceremony that feeling of powerlessness, I can see where that would really take a guy. And how do we deal when we feel powerless? We get small.
JP:
Folks, rewind and listen again to what Clint just said.
Clint:
If you can stand it. Don't do it while you're driving.
JP:
Amen. Amen brother. I would extend that little bit more. The bride herself was a very quiet and reserved young woman. So these are people who are not going to be dancing on the tabletop at their reception. She did ask me for a referral for a DJ. Then she smiled and said of course neither of us like to dance. I said you know, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Don’t get caught up in what you think a wedding should be. Don’t get caught up in what you see in the movies and on TV. You can create whatever celebration you want. I will say when I said that she looked relieved. I don’t know how he looked because his head was still in his lap, nodding off. I do think both the bride and groom if they are not familiar with weddings, if they have not been to a lot of weddings and they just are basing it on the mythology and the urban legends of what weddings are supposed to be like. It's very easy to get sucked up into: we have to do this we have to do that. And begin to feel miserable and powerless. a
Clint:
You kind of have to multiply that towards the groom. Because they already feel out of the loop. That’s okay. A lot of the grooms will kind of embrace that role. Oh, this is great. I don’t have to really sweat this stuff. She's gonna freak out and get all stressed out. Yeah, I'll put on the clothes and I’ll show up and I'll hang with my bros.
JP:
I’ve had grooms saying I'm just to show up. Whatever you want, babe, is fine with me. And they have the personality to pull that off. They have the personality and the love and it's the good old boy. My concern is for grooms like this fellow who are unable or unwilling to express what's going on inside their head and their heart. My concern is that if your pattern of communicating is to shut down, your going to be shutting down many many times in the wedding planning. It is going to set pattern that is not going to be healthy or effective for future conversations after you get married.
Clint:
Oh yeah, sure. It’s that old thing we’ve talked about before, where you plan and you plan and plan for this incredible day. And then what? And then there's the next day. And the rest of your your marriage. I agree hundred percent. I guess that there's that whole glass half-full glass half empty type of deal. I keep thinking that the bride and groom have gotten to know each other and they’ve fallen in love. You're right, marriage is hard work and it takes effort and communication. I think that's where people like you have so much to give in terms of giving couples tools on how to communicate. I always say that in premarital counseling, really, the biggest thing they teach you is how to fight.
JP:
To fight effectively.
Clint:
Okay, I got a story. My process is I give a ton of resources for the wedding ceremony to every single couple. I give it for free to anybody that wants it. So I work with this one couple and primarily the bride. She picks out all the stuff and we work together and it's a beautiful ceremony. The Vows are kind of long. The groom does not see the ceremony until the morning of his wedding. Please understand, I work with the coordinator, whoever is coordinating, I send them the ceremony the week before the wedding so that they know how to run the rehearsal. And the logistics of it. I make little notes like we will need a table and whatever it is. I try to make everybody be in the loop. The groom doesn't see it until the morning of his wedding. I found that out because I got a phone call from the bride who is getting married that day. The conversation starts like this: Rev. Clint I am so sorry. I know exactly what you think. I thought it too. Uh oh, we’re canceling the wedding. I said what's up? It turns out that he had just looked at it. His number one fear, which is number one phobia in America, is public speaking. He realized how much vows and ring exchange and stuff he was at being asked to say. Now it’s just a repeat after me. It’s not that big of a deal. I mean that's what I think of it. But his feelings are valid. He said, “I do. That's all I'm saying is I do!” Here’s the scenario. It was his second wedding, his second marriage. He'd been through the hoopla and he didn't like it. In terms of the ceremony stuff. H admitted, “I love you with all my heart. All I want to do is marry you.” It was her first wedding. It was her first marriage. So he says, “I want you to have your day. Go ahead do whatever you want and I'll be there and I'll marry you. That's all I really really want.” She says, “What are we going to do?” Well, we have to take care of him because you're worried about him. So I want to make him as comfortable as possible. But you did put all the effort into picking out these words that you connect with and they touch your heart. So how about this. How about if I say the vows on your behalf? Are you comfortable with only saying “I do”? I said that to the bride. She said, “Oh yeah, sure.” Let me just say on your behalf so it’s still part of the ceremony. It's part of your story. That way all he has to do is say “I do”. You’re not worried about him. He's really comfortable. It's happy happy happy all across the board. that's we did and it turned out great. Now we go back to that guy that's got his head buried. I have had couples say to me, “We are really shy. We don't like being the center of attention.” I say, don't worry. Number one, I’m so glad you told me that. The fact that you had that meeting with that couple and you saw who they are. Almost like that was the name of the test? The Briggs Meyer test? You saw it in person. You're able to recognize that. We can do little things to make you feel almost like you're in a little bubble. You’re not really as concerned about the people who are watching you. You just turn their bodies a little bit. Like when they have to face each other they don't really face square onto each other. They kind of angle a little bit so the still facing the officiant. Almost like in the movies. This is old school stuff. Back back back back in the day of like the 1920s. Whenever movies started. They wanted to pull focus to the main character. They would actually, in order to fuzz out (they can do this digitally now but back then they didn't have a the technology) so they would take some sort of like a Vaseline or something and they would put it on the edges of the lens in order to blur it out. Have you heard that story? So it's kinda like that. Where you make everything else blur. You bring focus into the couple. A groom who is self-conscious or shy or whatever that's gold to him. To have an officiant that can give them little tools by which they they are able to kinda fuzz out the world and really focus on each other. Oh my gosh.
JP:
What you're really talking about, Clint, I think, is important for again for the couples, those of you who are listening to us chat right now, and it's this: that when you go to interview officiant's what you really are looking for is do you feel safe with this person? Is this someone you believe, based on your conversation with the officiant, is going to create that bubble for you and your fiancé? Because this plays out on an emotional level. As beautiful as the words are, the couple are only going to hear some of those words. Because it's an out of body experience. That is our job. Our job is to create a safe place where people are able to, as much as possible, be in the moment and as comfortable as possible, offer those vows to each other. In whatever way it might be.
Clint:
Right. Now, there's the other side of the emotional spectrum here that we take in consideration as well. Where a couple will want Elvis to marry them. I talked to a couple, she’s a wedding coordinator and I think he’s a massage therapist. They decided that they wanted to go away. Destination wedding. They went to one of the one of the places in the Caribbean. Is that right? I get the Caribbean in the Mediterranean mixed up. That was my hesitation. So, it’s the Caribbean. They hired a guy from North Carolina who does the Johnny Depp Capt. Jack Sparrow imitation. He performed the ceremony. Right? Then there's a guy who runs a big company, a big officiant company here in Southern California. He began his company with the idea that we’re going to have as much fun as we possibly can. He comes from standup comedy. He's done singing telegrams. I'm a little envious. It's just not where my business has gone. He's dressed up as an umpire and gone to Dodger Stadium and performed ceremonies at home plate. Then about two thirds of the way through he stops and does a seventh-inning stretch and sings Take me out to the Ballgame. So, there are there are those couples who are looking for that type of an experience. It's exactly what you said. It’s the same concern for the happiness of the couple. To protect them. But, in a way, they need to be protected from the officiant that is just to full of themselves or too serious. They don't want that experience for their guests.
JP:
That's why it is so vitally important that couples sit down at the beginning and talk about what is their shared vision. What's going to make them comfortable together. What is not to make them comfortable individually.
Clint:
I think the big way to begin that process is to each of them say: in a perfect world, my dream wedding would be… then they just lay it out. Because, it could be: I have this idea which is bells and whistles. I have this idea which is flowers and sweet music. Then, hopefully, they'll come to us with their visions and be able to find that happy ground. Last episode we talk about interfaith. This is another version of that. Another version of different cultures and background and stuff and how do we bring them together? I love this podcast. We do need to wrap this up. Thank you all once again. Remember, you can go to our website. It's WeddingCeremonyPodcast.com. Send us an email. It’s right there on the home page. Send us an email. Let us know what you want to talk about. If there's any questions, any insights you have for us to make the podcast absolute the best it can possibly be. There's also links to our individual websites. If you're looking for whatever we have to offer you. It’s our honor to serve you. Until next time this is Clint on behalf of JP. See you later.