Clint:
Hi and welcome to the Wedding Ceremony Podcast. This is episode number three recorded on Tuesday, February 18. I'm Clint Hufft along with JP Reynolds. In the last episode we got into some pretty juicy stuff. We realize that it would take at least one more episode to cover it correctly. Because the purpose of this podcast is anything and everything that's going to help people experience a brilliant… What I say is that I want you to have brilliant memories of your wedding ceremony. JP, you told a story last week and if you’d do me a favor. Recap the story and then we'll go from there and and offer suggestions to people and how they can head trouble off at the pass.
JP:
Right, Clint. I love that the phrase “brilliant memory”.
Clint:
Thank you.
JP:
Well, this couple will have blindingly bright memories of their wedding because of the groom’s mother. This wedding occurred this year, 2014. This is fresh. The couple live out of state. They live out of California. The majority of their guests were flying in from out of town. I actually had not been able to meet with them at any time in person so all of our planning was done via Skype, which was fine. We were to establish relationship. I arrive to the venue and I'm excited to meet them in person. The planner heads me off at the pass, as it were. Takes me aside and says there’s some things I need to be aware of. The first of which is that the wedding had almost been canceled the night before the wedding rehearsal. Because it was at the rehearsal that the groom's mother decided to finally tell them that she did not approve of the wedding. Did not like the bride. Did not like the bride’s children. And if the bride’s children were going to be a part of the ceremony, she was going to turn around and go back home.
Clint:
Just to clarify, did she say she didn't like their personalities or she just didn’t like the idea that the bride had been married and had kids?
JP:
I don't think it was the children's personalities. It was the fact that they were not the offspring of her son.
Clint:
Okay. So then what?
JP:
So even with starting announcements, I’m not privy to the details of what went down between the bride and groom. My impression is that there was a major flareup because the event planner told me that the wedding came very close to being canceled. Ultimately, what was decided was that the two boys would not process down the aisle. Would not present to rings, as they were originally going to. And would not sit in the front row. They were put in the third row on the bride’s side. Out of sight of the groom's mother.
Clint:
That is so cold.
JP:
Everyone who's listening, yes. I don't know the circumstances surrounding this couple. I only developed a Skype relationship with this couple. However, from my perspective as someone who teaches communications, there’s a lot of concern, I think, for how this went down and for how it was handled. We actually talked, Clint, after the last podcast and we were talking about how this mother… This couple had been dating for three years. These were people who were close to 40 years old. So they weren’t just, you know, doe eyed high school sweethearts. This mother, over the last three years, had to have given indications of her displeasure. The first thing I want to say is I think sometimes people think when we get married it'll be different. Or the phrase, well that’s just mom. Ignore her. I would gently say, if that's just mom or that's just dad, gently ignoring her or him is not necessarily going to solve whatever problems and issues need to be faced.
Clint:
I can see if mom is not a part of their regular day-to-day life then “that's just mom, ignore her”, I can see where that would be relatively safe strategy. But, in this particular instance, my biggest concern is the kids. Every now and then - I know you’ve been through this 1 million times - somebody will say there’s a ring bearer or there is a flower girl. I’ll say, how old are they? How do you want them included? Especially in the scenario, kids from previous marriage or relationship. They want to include the children. To me the personalities of the kids is the number one priority. Not everybody thinks that way. But we’re talking about 20 years of therapy of something goes south.
JP:
Yeah yeah. Also, I definitely agree with you when you say if the mother or the father is not part of the daily life, they don't live nearby, I should clarify. The groom's mother lives in the same city as they do and lives very close by to where they live.
Clint:
Just out of curiosity, this doesn’t have a lot to do with the wedding ceremony, but I'm just curious as to how integrated she is in their day-to-day life. It sounds to me like not very much. It sounds to me not very much by her choice. If she has these kind of resentments.
JP:
If she's not integrated into their daily life then for them to have caved in to her demands, especially regarding the children, I can tell you once you cave in to the demands of a passive aggressive personality they will step it up and they will be unrelenting.
Clint:
Yeah because to me the unspoken guideline of all human behavior is whatever works.
JP:
Precisely
Clint:
We need to clarify a little bit. I don’t think people know your background. You actually have been teaching communications at Loyola Marymount and now you’re at UCLA. You do a lot with the corporate world. Leaders come to you on how to better manage their employees. So this all fits into the same thing and you’ve spoken before wedding professionals at some big conferences on how to deal with difficult brides. I think this is a really important topic because I see a lot of people to give up the power. Like you said, if you give into the passive-aggressive that people give up the power and don't really say wait, take three steps back and look at it from a different perspective. Because if you are in the middle of it, you really have to backup and kind of put in its proper context before you can really choose the appropriate course of action. Would you agree with that?
JP:
Oh, absolutely. When there is a parent, a relative, even a friend who is in what ever way presenting a challenge in the couple's relationship, it's really important the couple talk about how they want to manage relationship with that person. How they want to address the challenges and not simply brush it aside. There was a couple where the groom’s father was very harsh and demanding man. He was very harsh and demanding on his future daughter-in-law. During the wedding process. Because it was the groom's parents who were putting up much of the money the father wanted to have a say in every step of the process. The bride eventually just broke down. Asked to meet with me with her fiancé. She said she couldn't bear the groom's father anymore. She couldn't bear his criticism and his harshness and the groom was shocked. The man was genuinely surprised when he said you know I have no idea. Years ago I learned to ignore him. Here's a situation where the couple never really sat down before to talk about what we are we going to do with Papa? The groom had just learn to ignore the the father and he just presumed that his wife, his fiancée, would learn how to ignore the father. So, at the very least I would say here’s a very practical rule of thumb. Presume nothing and make sure you talk things.
Clint:
It takes a brave person to really face their fears. In a relationship there so many things that we just say I don't care. My Mom had great advice. She said way back, before I even was ready to get married, she said marriage is hard work. You really have to put in the effort in order that you know the day-to-day things. Here's another thing. When you're thinking of marrying somebody take a good look at every little thing that they do that bothers you. Because 10 years, 15 years from now that little thing is gonna be huge. It's better if you really face it right now and figure it out before you get into the actual marriage. There's an interesting dynamic which is kind of like in premarital counseling there are people who are afraid to go through the counseling because they are afraid they won't survive the counseling. Those of us who are way removed from the relationship or whatever they're hoping to get from the relationship or whatever can say well then were doing you a big favor. But if you are desperately, you know, if you’re codependent, if you're tremendously insecure, or you don’t think anyone is going to love you or you think this person is perfect and da da da, then I think there's a lot of blinders put on people as they approach the wedding day. Then the social pressure. And the financial pressure. All that kind of stuff comes into play. There are some people who really honestly… i have you ever heard the phrase - I’ve heard this more than once - even as I was walking up the aisle I knew this wouldn’t work. But they do it anyway.
I think what we're really talking about is preventive maintenance. Insurance companies now will reward the people that have policies if they take care of themselves and avoid healthcare caused by just doing regular day-to-day take care of themselves. It seems to me that this is the same kind of a deal. I learned this from you. Please tell the story that I love. I’ve repeated this story so many times and probably I've repeated it incorrectly. Tell the story of the mom in during the ceremony and reservations.
JP:
Okay. So, couple, mid-30’s, nice sweet people. Got married here in Los Angeles, in the Valley. An outdoor venue. Towards the end of the ceremony I’m preparing to wind things up and the mother of the bride stands up, starts to walk towards me. I knew she was a widow and I thought, oh maybe she wants to do reading and they forgot to tell me. Or, maybe she thinks that this is the time to thank everybody for coming and doesn't realize it's at the reception. So I leave my microphone and I walked towards her. In a voice only I can hear, she says to me these immortal words: she says, “do not pronounce them husband and wife. I have reservations.” And I thought, Sweetheart, do you really think I give you my microphone in turn this into Jerry Springer? So I smiled and I said the only reservations you better have are for dinner. Left her in the dust. Went back. I have never pronounced a couple husband wife as quickly as this couple. Afterwards, after all the other vendors were patting me on the back, congratulating me, I find the bride. I give her a hug. I asked how she is. She says to me, “I guess I forgot to tell you about my mother.” God forbid I should have Alzheimer’s. It may very well be the last words I ever remember. I guess I forgot to tell you about my mother. Everybody knew that Mama was wacky. She was just plain old nuts. This was a woman who made it very clear all along that she didn't like the guy. She didn't want them to get married. The reason being the woman was not big into other people being happy. She's kind of unhappy when people were happy. So what better day than a wedding to try to cause something.
Clint:
Now, here's the key thing that I took away from this story. I love the story. When you told me the story the first time, you then said so from that point forward anytime you met with a couple you included… go ahead and say it.
JP:
I ask them, “Is everybody happy for you?” I can tell you, as you yourself know Clint, if you ask that question to a couple, it is not uncommon for people to look at each other, smile and say, “well, now that you mention it…” and they talk about parent or grandparent or friend or a sibling or something. I modify the question also now, which would be appropriate most especially for the two of us, is where I ask, “is there any reality show drama?”
Clint:
That's so funny. I took from you and the way I phrase it: is anybody giving any grief? Anybody just saying stuff to you about it or anything like that? You and I are both really lucky in that there are a lot of our business is referral based. So a lot of our business is the couples of already been vetted. By the time they get to us they've already gone through some sort of an inspection process with the coordinator or the venue or whatever before they get our name. I think a lot of the high-end venues, coordinators or whatever have decided that their happiness is more important than taking that extra job with the person that’s going to drive them crazy. We’re very fortunate from that standpoint. I think what were tapping into here that is the take away for this episode is: if you go in with your eyes wide open and you realize… Have you ever had somebody say my dad is an alcoholic and I'm afraid how he’s going to behave?
JP:
As you are speaking I was flashing on the precise kind of story.
Clint:
The advise that I give is that open and frank conversation right now because usually they'll meet with us months ahead of time. I'll say don't wait another second. Have an honest and frank conversation first. Start with this. Always say this whenever you need to resolve a conflict or figure out a solution to something that you think is going to be a problem. Always start with the following phrase: You mean the world to me. I am so excited that you’re going to watch me get married. Here's what I'm concerned about. And you say, “Obviously, your behavior the past has been this. On that day I want everybody there to be happy.” Because I always say: Everyone wants the bride to be happy but the bride wants everyone else to be happy. It's very okay for the bride to say, “I want everybody in my wedding to be really happy. If anybody start doing things that makes other people uncomfortable then it's no longer happy wedding for me.” I always throw it in the other person's court. Tell me what you think we can do in order to make sure that everything is cool the whole day long. Always defer to them first and let the other person see if they come up with specific solutions. If it doesn't really meet the criteria and it's really hard because when you start a conversation more often than not we already have a something that we’re going to demand of that person. We already have it loaded in our gun and we’re ready to pull the trigger. We kind of are just waiting, blah blah blah blah blah, now let me tell you what I want you to do. It’s really hard to really relax and let that person process, offer suggestions. Maybe they have a somebody that the the equivalent of a … what do you call the driver?
JP:
The designated driver.
Clint:
Yeah. Somebody like a shadow or something like that. It’s not unlike when people said anyone have their dog in the wedding ceremony. I'm serious. Because there's got to be a plan B. Okay, you got that dog coming up here. You told the story of the dog being part of your wedding. Awesome. If the dog starts to get a little frisky, plan B is somebody takes that dog far away. Everybody kind of buys into that. So here you have a person who is significant enough to where you want them as part of the wedding. Maybe not included in the the nuts and bolts of the wedding, like a VIP or wedding party. But somebody who is important enough to where you want them to be at your wedding. You need to stay ahead of the game. I really think and you don't want to say that conversation like the stories that you have just shared with us you know the day before. “Oh, and by the way…”
JP:
You know, Clint, I love what you’re saying. I love what we’re talking about here. What you have just described is, when you were talking earlier about preventive medicine, what I say to people is you want to vaccinate yourself against emotional blackmail. What you're describing is how to vaccinate yourself ahead of time so as to make sure you don't get trapped in the passive-aggressive emotional blackmail reality show drama that somebody might perpetrate on your wedding day. You also said that it takes courage to have these kind of conversations. And it does. If you and your fiancé can have this kind of a conversation together and then with the person that you have to have it with. If you can learn how to have that kind of a conversation, you are setting the groundwork for a pattern and ritual of healthy effective communication.
Clint:
Absolutely. It's like we said before. You can have a wedding day and and then you have the next day.
JP:
Exactly.
Clint:
That whole thing about today is the first day rest your life type of deal. So the thing that we’re trying to share his to go in with your eyes wide open. Take a big deep breath and have those difficult conversations as quickly as you possibly can. Now, there are some people who thrive on conflict. I have had some brides say to me, usually when I offer: okay just take a look at this and really be a focus on yourself and think about what you want to express any wedding day. The type of things where I'm just trying to guide them to the best place possible. You can see in their behavior, in their eyes, that they are just invested in the conflict. Then there's a point where I have to let go and do the best I possibly can on the day of. If that's what they've chosen to do. But I like to address it right off the bat. Quite honestly, if this comes up during the how-do-you-do, where they meet me for the first time and they’re not really sure if I'm to be there officiant. I can bring this to their attention and offer some suggestions. Even if they don't hire me I think that I've made a contribution to the world so to speak.
JP:
I feel the same way.
Clint:
Because someone invested, it’s that whole thing of we only have control over ourselves, in theory. We can’t really control the behavior of anybody else. But we can bring things to their attention. Then hope for the best.
JP:
Yes, yes. If you’ll let me, this is a great time for me to plug one of my books. I have written an e-book that's available on Amazon called, “How to keep the ‘I’ in ‘I do’” It's communication tips, tricks and techniques for staying sane while planning your wedding. In that book I talk about exactly what were talking about now.
Clint:
Oh, that's brilliant. Okay, they can go to Amazon and all they have to do is search your name?
JP:
Go to the Kindle section of Amazon and JP Reynolds and they’ll find the book, “How to Keep the ‘I’ in ‘I do’”.
Clint:
As long as they’re there they can find your other books to, right? Brilliant. Excellent. We come to the end of this episode. Once again reaffirming the fact that there is no end the many facets of the wedding ceremony. Alright, JP. Thank you very much and we’ll se you next week. Thank you all for listening. Remember, if you want to listen to back episodes or send us an email please visit our website it's WeddingCeremonyPodcast.com. On behalf of JP this is Clint. Thanks and Bye Bye.
Hi and welcome to the Wedding Ceremony Podcast. This is episode number three recorded on Tuesday, February 18. I'm Clint Hufft along with JP Reynolds. In the last episode we got into some pretty juicy stuff. We realize that it would take at least one more episode to cover it correctly. Because the purpose of this podcast is anything and everything that's going to help people experience a brilliant… What I say is that I want you to have brilliant memories of your wedding ceremony. JP, you told a story last week and if you’d do me a favor. Recap the story and then we'll go from there and and offer suggestions to people and how they can head trouble off at the pass.
JP:
Right, Clint. I love that the phrase “brilliant memory”.
Clint:
Thank you.
JP:
Well, this couple will have blindingly bright memories of their wedding because of the groom’s mother. This wedding occurred this year, 2014. This is fresh. The couple live out of state. They live out of California. The majority of their guests were flying in from out of town. I actually had not been able to meet with them at any time in person so all of our planning was done via Skype, which was fine. We were to establish relationship. I arrive to the venue and I'm excited to meet them in person. The planner heads me off at the pass, as it were. Takes me aside and says there’s some things I need to be aware of. The first of which is that the wedding had almost been canceled the night before the wedding rehearsal. Because it was at the rehearsal that the groom's mother decided to finally tell them that she did not approve of the wedding. Did not like the bride. Did not like the bride’s children. And if the bride’s children were going to be a part of the ceremony, she was going to turn around and go back home.
Clint:
Just to clarify, did she say she didn't like their personalities or she just didn’t like the idea that the bride had been married and had kids?
JP:
I don't think it was the children's personalities. It was the fact that they were not the offspring of her son.
Clint:
Okay. So then what?
JP:
So even with starting announcements, I’m not privy to the details of what went down between the bride and groom. My impression is that there was a major flareup because the event planner told me that the wedding came very close to being canceled. Ultimately, what was decided was that the two boys would not process down the aisle. Would not present to rings, as they were originally going to. And would not sit in the front row. They were put in the third row on the bride’s side. Out of sight of the groom's mother.
Clint:
That is so cold.
JP:
Everyone who's listening, yes. I don't know the circumstances surrounding this couple. I only developed a Skype relationship with this couple. However, from my perspective as someone who teaches communications, there’s a lot of concern, I think, for how this went down and for how it was handled. We actually talked, Clint, after the last podcast and we were talking about how this mother… This couple had been dating for three years. These were people who were close to 40 years old. So they weren’t just, you know, doe eyed high school sweethearts. This mother, over the last three years, had to have given indications of her displeasure. The first thing I want to say is I think sometimes people think when we get married it'll be different. Or the phrase, well that’s just mom. Ignore her. I would gently say, if that's just mom or that's just dad, gently ignoring her or him is not necessarily going to solve whatever problems and issues need to be faced.
Clint:
I can see if mom is not a part of their regular day-to-day life then “that's just mom, ignore her”, I can see where that would be relatively safe strategy. But, in this particular instance, my biggest concern is the kids. Every now and then - I know you’ve been through this 1 million times - somebody will say there’s a ring bearer or there is a flower girl. I’ll say, how old are they? How do you want them included? Especially in the scenario, kids from previous marriage or relationship. They want to include the children. To me the personalities of the kids is the number one priority. Not everybody thinks that way. But we’re talking about 20 years of therapy of something goes south.
JP:
Yeah yeah. Also, I definitely agree with you when you say if the mother or the father is not part of the daily life, they don't live nearby, I should clarify. The groom's mother lives in the same city as they do and lives very close by to where they live.
Clint:
Just out of curiosity, this doesn’t have a lot to do with the wedding ceremony, but I'm just curious as to how integrated she is in their day-to-day life. It sounds to me like not very much. It sounds to me not very much by her choice. If she has these kind of resentments.
JP:
If she's not integrated into their daily life then for them to have caved in to her demands, especially regarding the children, I can tell you once you cave in to the demands of a passive aggressive personality they will step it up and they will be unrelenting.
Clint:
Yeah because to me the unspoken guideline of all human behavior is whatever works.
JP:
Precisely
Clint:
We need to clarify a little bit. I don’t think people know your background. You actually have been teaching communications at Loyola Marymount and now you’re at UCLA. You do a lot with the corporate world. Leaders come to you on how to better manage their employees. So this all fits into the same thing and you’ve spoken before wedding professionals at some big conferences on how to deal with difficult brides. I think this is a really important topic because I see a lot of people to give up the power. Like you said, if you give into the passive-aggressive that people give up the power and don't really say wait, take three steps back and look at it from a different perspective. Because if you are in the middle of it, you really have to backup and kind of put in its proper context before you can really choose the appropriate course of action. Would you agree with that?
JP:
Oh, absolutely. When there is a parent, a relative, even a friend who is in what ever way presenting a challenge in the couple's relationship, it's really important the couple talk about how they want to manage relationship with that person. How they want to address the challenges and not simply brush it aside. There was a couple where the groom’s father was very harsh and demanding man. He was very harsh and demanding on his future daughter-in-law. During the wedding process. Because it was the groom's parents who were putting up much of the money the father wanted to have a say in every step of the process. The bride eventually just broke down. Asked to meet with me with her fiancé. She said she couldn't bear the groom's father anymore. She couldn't bear his criticism and his harshness and the groom was shocked. The man was genuinely surprised when he said you know I have no idea. Years ago I learned to ignore him. Here's a situation where the couple never really sat down before to talk about what we are we going to do with Papa? The groom had just learn to ignore the the father and he just presumed that his wife, his fiancée, would learn how to ignore the father. So, at the very least I would say here’s a very practical rule of thumb. Presume nothing and make sure you talk things.
Clint:
It takes a brave person to really face their fears. In a relationship there so many things that we just say I don't care. My Mom had great advice. She said way back, before I even was ready to get married, she said marriage is hard work. You really have to put in the effort in order that you know the day-to-day things. Here's another thing. When you're thinking of marrying somebody take a good look at every little thing that they do that bothers you. Because 10 years, 15 years from now that little thing is gonna be huge. It's better if you really face it right now and figure it out before you get into the actual marriage. There's an interesting dynamic which is kind of like in premarital counseling there are people who are afraid to go through the counseling because they are afraid they won't survive the counseling. Those of us who are way removed from the relationship or whatever they're hoping to get from the relationship or whatever can say well then were doing you a big favor. But if you are desperately, you know, if you’re codependent, if you're tremendously insecure, or you don’t think anyone is going to love you or you think this person is perfect and da da da, then I think there's a lot of blinders put on people as they approach the wedding day. Then the social pressure. And the financial pressure. All that kind of stuff comes into play. There are some people who really honestly… i have you ever heard the phrase - I’ve heard this more than once - even as I was walking up the aisle I knew this wouldn’t work. But they do it anyway.
I think what we're really talking about is preventive maintenance. Insurance companies now will reward the people that have policies if they take care of themselves and avoid healthcare caused by just doing regular day-to-day take care of themselves. It seems to me that this is the same kind of a deal. I learned this from you. Please tell the story that I love. I’ve repeated this story so many times and probably I've repeated it incorrectly. Tell the story of the mom in during the ceremony and reservations.
JP:
Okay. So, couple, mid-30’s, nice sweet people. Got married here in Los Angeles, in the Valley. An outdoor venue. Towards the end of the ceremony I’m preparing to wind things up and the mother of the bride stands up, starts to walk towards me. I knew she was a widow and I thought, oh maybe she wants to do reading and they forgot to tell me. Or, maybe she thinks that this is the time to thank everybody for coming and doesn't realize it's at the reception. So I leave my microphone and I walked towards her. In a voice only I can hear, she says to me these immortal words: she says, “do not pronounce them husband and wife. I have reservations.” And I thought, Sweetheart, do you really think I give you my microphone in turn this into Jerry Springer? So I smiled and I said the only reservations you better have are for dinner. Left her in the dust. Went back. I have never pronounced a couple husband wife as quickly as this couple. Afterwards, after all the other vendors were patting me on the back, congratulating me, I find the bride. I give her a hug. I asked how she is. She says to me, “I guess I forgot to tell you about my mother.” God forbid I should have Alzheimer’s. It may very well be the last words I ever remember. I guess I forgot to tell you about my mother. Everybody knew that Mama was wacky. She was just plain old nuts. This was a woman who made it very clear all along that she didn't like the guy. She didn't want them to get married. The reason being the woman was not big into other people being happy. She's kind of unhappy when people were happy. So what better day than a wedding to try to cause something.
Clint:
Now, here's the key thing that I took away from this story. I love the story. When you told me the story the first time, you then said so from that point forward anytime you met with a couple you included… go ahead and say it.
JP:
I ask them, “Is everybody happy for you?” I can tell you, as you yourself know Clint, if you ask that question to a couple, it is not uncommon for people to look at each other, smile and say, “well, now that you mention it…” and they talk about parent or grandparent or friend or a sibling or something. I modify the question also now, which would be appropriate most especially for the two of us, is where I ask, “is there any reality show drama?”
Clint:
That's so funny. I took from you and the way I phrase it: is anybody giving any grief? Anybody just saying stuff to you about it or anything like that? You and I are both really lucky in that there are a lot of our business is referral based. So a lot of our business is the couples of already been vetted. By the time they get to us they've already gone through some sort of an inspection process with the coordinator or the venue or whatever before they get our name. I think a lot of the high-end venues, coordinators or whatever have decided that their happiness is more important than taking that extra job with the person that’s going to drive them crazy. We’re very fortunate from that standpoint. I think what were tapping into here that is the take away for this episode is: if you go in with your eyes wide open and you realize… Have you ever had somebody say my dad is an alcoholic and I'm afraid how he’s going to behave?
JP:
As you are speaking I was flashing on the precise kind of story.
Clint:
The advise that I give is that open and frank conversation right now because usually they'll meet with us months ahead of time. I'll say don't wait another second. Have an honest and frank conversation first. Start with this. Always say this whenever you need to resolve a conflict or figure out a solution to something that you think is going to be a problem. Always start with the following phrase: You mean the world to me. I am so excited that you’re going to watch me get married. Here's what I'm concerned about. And you say, “Obviously, your behavior the past has been this. On that day I want everybody there to be happy.” Because I always say: Everyone wants the bride to be happy but the bride wants everyone else to be happy. It's very okay for the bride to say, “I want everybody in my wedding to be really happy. If anybody start doing things that makes other people uncomfortable then it's no longer happy wedding for me.” I always throw it in the other person's court. Tell me what you think we can do in order to make sure that everything is cool the whole day long. Always defer to them first and let the other person see if they come up with specific solutions. If it doesn't really meet the criteria and it's really hard because when you start a conversation more often than not we already have a something that we’re going to demand of that person. We already have it loaded in our gun and we’re ready to pull the trigger. We kind of are just waiting, blah blah blah blah blah, now let me tell you what I want you to do. It’s really hard to really relax and let that person process, offer suggestions. Maybe they have a somebody that the the equivalent of a … what do you call the driver?
JP:
The designated driver.
Clint:
Yeah. Somebody like a shadow or something like that. It’s not unlike when people said anyone have their dog in the wedding ceremony. I'm serious. Because there's got to be a plan B. Okay, you got that dog coming up here. You told the story of the dog being part of your wedding. Awesome. If the dog starts to get a little frisky, plan B is somebody takes that dog far away. Everybody kind of buys into that. So here you have a person who is significant enough to where you want them as part of the wedding. Maybe not included in the the nuts and bolts of the wedding, like a VIP or wedding party. But somebody who is important enough to where you want them to be at your wedding. You need to stay ahead of the game. I really think and you don't want to say that conversation like the stories that you have just shared with us you know the day before. “Oh, and by the way…”
JP:
You know, Clint, I love what you’re saying. I love what we’re talking about here. What you have just described is, when you were talking earlier about preventive medicine, what I say to people is you want to vaccinate yourself against emotional blackmail. What you're describing is how to vaccinate yourself ahead of time so as to make sure you don't get trapped in the passive-aggressive emotional blackmail reality show drama that somebody might perpetrate on your wedding day. You also said that it takes courage to have these kind of conversations. And it does. If you and your fiancé can have this kind of a conversation together and then with the person that you have to have it with. If you can learn how to have that kind of a conversation, you are setting the groundwork for a pattern and ritual of healthy effective communication.
Clint:
Absolutely. It's like we said before. You can have a wedding day and and then you have the next day.
JP:
Exactly.
Clint:
That whole thing about today is the first day rest your life type of deal. So the thing that we’re trying to share his to go in with your eyes wide open. Take a big deep breath and have those difficult conversations as quickly as you possibly can. Now, there are some people who thrive on conflict. I have had some brides say to me, usually when I offer: okay just take a look at this and really be a focus on yourself and think about what you want to express any wedding day. The type of things where I'm just trying to guide them to the best place possible. You can see in their behavior, in their eyes, that they are just invested in the conflict. Then there's a point where I have to let go and do the best I possibly can on the day of. If that's what they've chosen to do. But I like to address it right off the bat. Quite honestly, if this comes up during the how-do-you-do, where they meet me for the first time and they’re not really sure if I'm to be there officiant. I can bring this to their attention and offer some suggestions. Even if they don't hire me I think that I've made a contribution to the world so to speak.
JP:
I feel the same way.
Clint:
Because someone invested, it’s that whole thing of we only have control over ourselves, in theory. We can’t really control the behavior of anybody else. But we can bring things to their attention. Then hope for the best.
JP:
Yes, yes. If you’ll let me, this is a great time for me to plug one of my books. I have written an e-book that's available on Amazon called, “How to keep the ‘I’ in ‘I do’” It's communication tips, tricks and techniques for staying sane while planning your wedding. In that book I talk about exactly what were talking about now.
Clint:
Oh, that's brilliant. Okay, they can go to Amazon and all they have to do is search your name?
JP:
Go to the Kindle section of Amazon and JP Reynolds and they’ll find the book, “How to Keep the ‘I’ in ‘I do’”.
Clint:
As long as they’re there they can find your other books to, right? Brilliant. Excellent. We come to the end of this episode. Once again reaffirming the fact that there is no end the many facets of the wedding ceremony. Alright, JP. Thank you very much and we’ll se you next week. Thank you all for listening. Remember, if you want to listen to back episodes or send us an email please visit our website it's WeddingCeremonyPodcast.com. On behalf of JP this is Clint. Thanks and Bye Bye.